Interview with Madita OemingPornography and sexualized violence online: What parents and educational professionals can do

Ms. Oeming, how can parents start a conversation about pornography?

Definitely not with a question like "So, what was the last porn you saw?" (laughs). The life-world reference is not the best strategy here, for once, because that can be overwhelming, embarrassing and violate completely legitimate intimacy boundaries. I would rather start with a general phenomenon. For example: "I've read that porn often ends up in class chats these days. I find that somehow challenging. Has that ever happened to you?" Then it is immediately clear that this is not an unusual experience and that such contact can also happen completely unintentionally. This takes away the fear of having done something wrong. Even if it hasn't happened before or there is no willingness to talk about it at that moment, a simple sentence like this marks responsiveness. Children then know: "My parents know this word and the problem and won't go crazy straight away." That's worth a lot.

With older adolescents, who are more likely to have already deliberately looked at porn, you can also make an assumption to get things off to the most undramatic start possible: "I assume that you have already seen porn and it's important to me that I don't leave you alone with this. So if you have any questions, I'm here." The more non-judgmental we approach the matter, the more likely it is that a conversation will take place.

In principle, certain aspects of pornography can also be discussed without having to talk about porn directly. For example, when other media are reflected on together or role models are discussed, when the reality content of productions on social media is questioned or consensus is exemplified. There are many occasions for discussion that don't have to be primarily about sex.

And how should parents react when children have come into contact with pornographic content, for example in class chats, and confide in them?

The best thing to do is to say thank you for the trust. When children talk, especially about shameful topics, we should always give them positive reinforcement. Then I would try to react as calmly as possible and listen to the child's questions and needs: "Thank you for telling me about this. How did you feel about the situation?"

Sometimes children have completely different concerns to us as adult caregivers in these moments. For many parents, a catalog of fears and issues immediately opens up, and it is important not to reflexively transfer all of these to your own child. They may have experienced the situation very differently than we assume. Unplanned first contact with porn triggers very different, often ambivalent feelings. This also depends very much on the specific content and the child's age or stage of development.

Perhaps a subsequent conversation revolves around the fact that porn is just a fantasy movie and that sex often looks different than what is shown there. Maybe it's about body images. Or about their own reactions such as disgust or arousal and what is actually normal (important: all feelings are!).

Especially in the context of class chat, I think it's always important to talk about boundaries and that it's not okay to show others pornographic content without being asked. This helps them to defend themselves against it and also to take digital responsibility themselves and act differently.

What can parents do if their child is being blackmailed with intimate images?

First of all, listen. And avoid accusations at all costs. Unfortunately, "victim blaming" often happens in such situations because the first question that pops into many parents' heads is: "Why did YOU send this in the first place?" Instead, it needs to be made very clear: "What is being done to you is not okay. We are on your side."

What to do then depends very much on the individual case. Is this a stranger or someone you know? How serious are the threats? What kind of image content is involved? And so on. As a general rule, you should not respond to demands. Whether legal action is appropriate depends on the case. The child concerned should always be involved in the decision-making process, as they are already experiencing enormous powerlessness.

A cautious approach to preserving evidence is important when dealing with intimate images of minors, especially if they are under 14. If parents take screenshots or otherwise save or forward the image content, they may be liable to prosecution themselves. It is best to take the device directly to the police if charges are to be filed.

Only when things have calmed down a bit would I look for another conversation about what could possibly be done to prevent this from happening again in the future. So once again, I'd like to raise awareness of how to deal with intimate images. As always, mere bans will not help here, but in case of doubt will only lead to children doing it secretly and not daring to share insecurities or bad experiences.

What can schools do if nude photos of their pupils are circulating?

They should do everything they can to ensure that the person shown in the nude image is not additionally incriminated. Young people sometimes perceive the intervention of adults as more violent than the actual violation of boundaries. This is because decisions are often made over their heads, an unnecessarily large number of people are involved, intimate content is repeatedly shared or feelings of guilt are conveyed. All of this must be avoided. The stress potential of such incidents is very high and should be taken seriously.

It is important to talk not only with those affected and the perpetrators, but also with the bystanders. How they deal with the situation can have an enormous influence. Do they show solidarity and condemn the person who has distributed non-consensual images? Or do they mob those affected even more? Unfortunately, the consequences almost always fall on the shoulders of those affected. They are also the ones who leave school more often after such an incident. That has to change.

We need a lot of empathy training, a culture of consensus and comprehensive discussions about gender roles. Girls are disproportionately affected by this form of digital violence and mechanisms such as slutshaming play a major role. There is little investment in questioning the group dynamics and social patterns that make such images so powerful in the first place.

Unfortunately, most schools only take action once something has already happened. Offers that promote respectful digital interaction and also address digital violence phenomena should be part of the school curriculum as standard.

What opportunities do online services offer for the sexual development of young people?

Quite a few, actually. Digital spaces can be an important area of opportunity in which young people can approach their first sexual encounters in comparatively controllable settings. Provided they are given the appropriate skills. Online, I can click away, block or wait two hours to reply. I can be more comfortable with myself and my boundaries. A digital "no" is easier for many people. And a "yes" too.

Especially for those who are restricted in analog spaces because they are queer, live with disabilities, are under strict parental control or are simply shy, the internet can become a valuable, even indispensable place. I would have loved to have had these opportunities when I was younger and I am convinced that they would have spared me some negative analog experiences.